Pain doesn’t always help.
If I’m touching something hot or sharp, pain will tell me to move away. Pain tells me when to stop doing something damaging.
But sometimes we have already received the information, and we don’t really need the pain. If I bang my elbow into a corner, it’s going to hurt and remind me to not do that again. Two hours later, that pain isn’t really helping.
A headache might tell me I’m sick, and if it goes on for an extended time, it might lead me to get medical help. Once we know what caused it and start to treat the cause, the pain isn’t really helping.
I would like a reset button, like on a smoke alarm. Maybe it would mute the pain for a few hours.
Let’s go to God in prayer.
God of wisdom, may the words that I speak, and the ways they are received by each of our hearts and minds, help us to continue to grow into the people, and the church, that you have dreamed us to be.
Amen.
Most Christians talk about grace. Grace for ourselves, at the very least, God’s grace toward us.
There are hymns like “Amazing Grace” and “God of Grace and God of Glory.”
There are churches that have the name Grace in them.
We want God to forgive our mistakes. We want God to give us another chance. Or a seventh chance. Or a seventy seventh chance.
Incidentally, seven symbolizes completeness, like the seven days of creation or the seven days of the week.
So when Peter asks
“Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive?
As many as seven times?”Matthew 18:21, NRSVue
he’s asking whether he should forgive to completeness.
And when Jesus replies
“Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.”
Matthew 18:22, NRSVue
he’s saying to take completeness to another level. That’s the kind of forgiveness we want, but it’s difficult for us to offer it.
I knew a family where one of the family members had a one strike rule: if you crossed her once, you were out.
One by one, members of our church were struck from her list. She would ignore them, give them the silent treatment. Eventually the pastor did something she didn’t like, and she left the church, and demanded the rest of her family not attend.
We missed them. I suspect it was harder for the family than it was for us.
What if she had forgiven us seven times? What if she could forgive us seventy-seven times?
On the other hand, there are people who hurt us repeatedly. Should we forgive them every time?
There are a couple of parts to this:
One is that if someone wrongs us, and then repents – that is, tries to make amends and/or change behavior – forgiveness give the person to try again. In this case, forgiveness gives us a chance to maintain or renew a relationship.
But what if someone keeps doing the same thing that hurts us and won’t stop? In this case, we often become angry. And while that anger can lead us to create boundaries that keep us safe against the person, once the boundaries are set, forgiveness can help us.
Anger can be a useful emotion. We can be angry about injustice, and it may motivate us to press for change. We can be angry at a person who is hurting us, and it can motivate us to remove ourselves from the situation.
- Anger led to the States’ revolution against England.
- Anger led to the fight for women’s suffrage.
- Anger led to the civil rights movement.
- Anger led to Pride marches.
Anger can be transformative.
Anger has moved people to leave abusive jobs and abusive relationships.
Anger can be motivational.
Like pain, anger can lead us to address the underlying conditions that caused the anger.
But what if the underlying condition has been resolved?
Holding on to anger isn’t going to resolve it more. Lingering resentment against England seems to have largely subsided. I’m basing this in part on our love of British comedies. Being angry at England for the abuses of King George III isn’t going to gain us anything,
Bearing a grudge can be counter-productive.
Think about a time when you were angry with someone for a long time. How much time did you think about being angry with that person? Did you feel good during that time?
How much time do you think that person thought about you being angry with them?
Who was bearing that pain: the person you thought did wrong, or the person you thought was wronged?
On a personal level, forgiveness is like that reset button on a smoke alarm or the one I wanted for pain: It does nothing about the cause, but it quiets the emotion that is making us miserable. So grace is not only good for those we forgive, but also for ourselves.
This is one of the hardest challenges I’m going to make because we tend to hold on to our hurts, like pain that lasts long after the original injury has been addressed.
But I want us to notice what grudges we’re holding on to. We don’t have to search our minds for things we can’t let go. We can just notice them when they enter our thoughts.
And then intentionally release those.
It’s going to be difficult. It’s not a simple reset button. But do something to put grace into the situation.
Maybe it can be saying something like
There is a weight between us, one I have been carrying too long.
Today I release this weight, this anger, so that it no longer weighs me down.
Or
As someone who has received unlimited grace from God, I offer grace to this person.
I will not withhold from others what has been freely given to me.
Or
I forgive the actions of the past version of this person,
and pray that the present version of this person will grow.
Or anything else that helps us release the pain that harms us more than the person with whom we’re angry.
May we find in ourselves the grace we receive from God.
Amen.
Let’s sing CH 464 God of Grace and God of Glory
* Scripture quotations marked NRSVue are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. https://www.friendshippress.org/pages/about-the-nrsvue
* Scripture quotations marked KJV are taken from the King James version of the Bible.
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